My iPhone lights up and screams at me to wake up. Ugh.
Rubbing my eyes, it’s time to throw off the Parachute sheets, roll out of my Casper bed and pull the sheets back up to the pillows. That’s about as close as I get to making my bed. I mean, no one actually makes their bed, do they?
No one I want to be friends with at least.
Stumbling to the bathroom, I grab my Quip toothbrush to get rid of the sleepy taste in my mouth. Ah, much better.
Time to get active and get the blood flowing before my day starts. I throw on some Vuori shorts and a CBInsights t-shirt, fill up my S’well bottle and the instructor in my Peloton greets me before kicking my ass in a quick workout.
It’s better than a cup of coffee! (At least that’s what the #thoughtleaders tell me)
Covered in sweat and pumped up, I hop in my shower to get clean under my Nebia shower head that I just had to have after reading about in TechCrunch. Once I’m clean, I dry off with my Onsen towel and quickly shave with a Harry’s razor (just the neck though, startup bros have a 5-o’clock shadow, bro).
Time to get dressed, unlock my phone, open up the Calm app, and squeeze a quick meditation in. Breath in, breathe out…
I throw on my Allbirds, grab my keys and a Soylent, hop in my Tesla, get on the freeway and turn on self-driving mode. Now I have a bit of time to check Twitter for the latest news (what did Elon Musk say this time?). Then I pull up Product Hunt and move on to read the latest The Hustle newsletter.
Once I get to work, I say hi to Janet at the front desk, drop off my bag and go around the corner to Blue Bottle for my morning pick-me-up.
Back at the office, I open up my Apple MacBook Pro fire up Slack and check in with the team before my Zoom meeting with the remote team.
Forkable delivered lunch today, but I have a meeting, so hop on a Lime scooter to meet them at the restaurant. The helmet looks goofy, so I update Snapchat with a selfie. (Do startup bros use the dog face?)
Back at the office, I see that I got an email from Gusto that my paycheck was deposited. Score! Payday!
I’m HODLing to the moon for future Lambos, so I pop some money into Coinbase. Then I remember last weekend when my buddy bought us tickets to a show, so I pull up Venmo to settle the debt.
On my phone, I get a notification from Ring. Someone’s at my door, turns out it’s just someone delivering my Chewy order. That reminds me, I wonder what my dogs are doing, so I pull up the Nest app to peek on them. They’re both sleeping–so cute. The dog walker from Wag is going to be there soon, so I know they’ll be going out shortly.
After a few more hours of heads down work listening to Spotify through my Nuraphone headphones, it’s almost time to head home, so I make sure my Instacart order has everything I need and head out the door.
Back at home, I have my Chewy and Amazon packages at my front door. How did people have time for shopping before they could buy everything online?
I make tonight’s Blue Apron, and grab the newest bottle from my Winc subscription, pour out my first glass of wine through the Coravin system, and plop down on my Article sofa to chill with some Netflix.
I’m meeting a friend for drinks later, so I schedule my Uber to pick me up in an hour.
Well, a few beers turned into a few more than I expected, and no surprise, I’m hungry in my Uber.
I’m not going to make him drive to the other side of town just for cookies like a basic bro, so I just Favor cookies to show up at the same time I do.
I know I know, I’m lazy, but what can I say. With all this disruption around me, it’s just so easy!
Originally published on Medium